Fifty Ways to Flunk a Test
a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.Wake up,
say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in
a few minutes early.
- Get a
copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!”
- If it
is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay
form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral
paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left
the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers
with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I'm SOOO sure you can
hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the
instructor, “I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture
all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the
a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on
the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go
to the instructor, say “They've found me, I have to leave the country” and
minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small
pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you're
really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first
one. Repeat th is process every fifteen minutes.
the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and
down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the
person nearest to you.
soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your
next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be
persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if
they are allowed to stay.
five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat,
continue with the exam.
in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start
commenting on how easy it was.
the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a
multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked
the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream
out “F*** this!” and walk out triumphantly.
a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that
whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go
up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the
exam, you should start crying for mommy).
now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her
in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when
I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white
mask and start yelling “I'm here, the phantom of the opera” until they
drag you away.
- Go to
an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is
very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim
that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the
receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don't
really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is
a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave
one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River
a brawl in the middle of the exam.
the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could
possibly think of. Get PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it
is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes
for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting
kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use
the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for
the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before
to get people in the room to do the wave.
frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it
often. Consider a small sacrifice.
deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you
every few minutes throughout the exam.
the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you
the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to
stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with
you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments
during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks”
Professor Simon's Home Page
Department of Electrical
and Computer Engineering
Cleveland State University
Last Revised: April 12, 2002